The Curious Blog

curious by both definitions

Back in late July I went on a trip to Oakland and felt moved to bring along my tarot cards. In my cozy Airbnb, I pulled a few. I decided on a 3-card, Past, Present, Future set up concerning the cliché topic of my love life. I admit to some embarrassment about this, but it’s only human nature to wonder about such things!

So, here is the breakdown of the message I received that mid-summer day. (As in a previous post, I am going to save time by citing for the key words.)

Past > Five of Rods Key Words: conflict, disagreements, competition, tension, diversity

This card depicts 5 men holding staffs up against each other in a scene of discord. However, it is not a very passionate fight, and nothing else on the card hints at the reason for the conflict. This suggests a sort of pointlessness, a lack of focus and heart.

This pull describes my past relationship with a lot of accuracy, especially with the key word ‘tension’. My ex and I were off and on for years as I hoped for some kind of decision to be made- that it was only a matter of time before they realized they loved me for real.

It never happened, and over time I have gone from describing this relationship as ‘being in love with someone for X years’ to ‘being hung up on someone for X years.’ This person hurt me, and I didn’t realize how deeply until much later. It took a long time to conclude that I had allowed this mistreatment because I didn’t realize I deserved better.

Present > Eight of Cups (Reversed) Key Words: trying one more time, indecision, aimless drifting, walking away

This card’s image shows eight cups arranged in a manner in which one appears missing, and a figure departing from the scene with a melancholy air.

After not speaking for a long while, my ex came back into my life in a friendship capacity. Things were good for a while-- conversation and laughter came easily, but eventually I couldn’t handle the emotional and mental toll of interacting with them.

Long story short, they were going through an extremely rough time in their life, and I found their instability contagious. After an intense, drawn-out breakdown they had at my apartment, I blocked their number and haven’t been in contact in over 6 months. I helped all I could, and still struggle with guilt, as if I abandoned them-- but I had to prioritize my own mental health and well-being.

The words ‘walking away’ that the 8 of Cups represents really speaks to this situation. The stack of cups with the missing piece signifies a relationship (this time platonic) that is not whole. It was unstable, and in time the non-reciprocal nature of it was too much to handle.

My energy was being siphoned off, and I had to cut ties to prevent a regression of my psyche

Future > Strength (Reversed) Key Words: inner strength, self-doubt, low energy, raw emotion

I remember even as I was about to draw the third and final card in this tarot session, I had a gut feeling I was going to get a saddening message, and I was right. In retrospect, I see that this feeling was only logical given the air of the first two cards. My past and present cards told me that I was not in the proper state to receive a true, romantic love. Things were still too jumbled. My heart was still healing. This is where the words ‘raw emotion’ rung true for me. My thoughts and feelings were still being processed.

Even now, I remain in the process of learning lessons from my romantic past

‘Inner strength’ is the other phrase that speaks to me here. Reversed Strength tells of solitude and contentment coming solely from within.

This card calls for me to find faith in myself and the Universe that things will happen perfectly in divine timing. I am being told to buckle down and settle in for some more ‘alone time’.

Even though the reversed Strength card is not overtly negative, my heart felt heavy, regardless, as I looked into its meaning. This was not what I wanted to see in the cards. Honestly, I felt a kind of betrayal boiling softly within me, as my pulls up until this point had always been encouraging.

So, in a move somewhat lacking in maturity, I pushed this reading into the back of my mind. I did not think long about it. It made me feel sick. I was not ready to confront my disappointment.

I wasn’t ready to face that my disappointment signaled a false belief that I needed romantic love to live a fulfilled life

Months went by, and in December I received a birth chart reading in which no upcoming romance was mentioned. It was a heavy reading, and I wasn’t sure if the astrologer simply didn’t have time to get to the topic, so I decided to pull a single card to address my love life once again.

Sun (Reversed) Key Words: inner child, feeling down, overly optimistic

The content and comforting face of the sun mocked me in its upside-down position.

There’s not much to say about this card. The message is clear, and yet-- I remained in denial. After all the cards I’d pulled that made perfect sense, I thought I had pulled the wrong card. I thought there must be some mistake.

So, I did something I’d never done before, and drew a second card for clarification. (Actually, my intuition told me to simply look at the card on the bottom of the deck.)

King of Wands (Reversed) Key Words: impulsiveness, haste, ruthless, high expectations

This card greatly humbled me, and I thanked the Universe for taking away my doubt, although it stung. The fact that this card was so dead-on and befitting served to solidify my faith in my intuitive ability to communicate with the greater energy that surrounds us.

The King looks at me sternly, but without malice. He reminds me to have patience. I have waited so long already, a little more is nothing. Compared to the reading in July, I am glad to report that my disappointment with this pull was much more brief.

I've decided I will tap into my inner strength and find peace with this message as I head into the new year. I will lean into my solitude as I work on my novel, zine, and blog. Even as I type this, I feel a new focus coming over me as I develop my musician side, expand my YouTube channel, and approach each day with a mindfulness of my past that will better prepare me for the time when I do meet my soul mate. ♡

Until next time, loves, stay curious.

A turning point in my growth as a creative writer occurred on October 23, 2019. While working on my novel, Syndrome, I finally grasped the true meaning of that so-frequently-given advice---

Write what makes you uncomfortable, what scares you

This adage always made sense to me, going back many years back when I first heard it--- but it had never really clicked. I'd always thought with a shrug, 'I don't know what I'm scared of writing, but I'll write it when I get to it.'

During that Wednesday evening writing session, my thoughts were coming fast, even interrupting each other. But at least twice, the lines flowing through my head felt like they hit a wall. A couple of times, I froze. I found myself thinking, 'I can't write that. That's not like me at all. What will the reader think of me?'

For the first time while writing, I was scared. I hesitated.

However, in my mind's eye, I saw that the black stone wall blocking my path was indeed very solid, but it was lacking height.

I hopped over it with relative ease and recognized the moment for what it was--- a leveling up, a blooming.

Tomorrow I start my last week at my current job, and it feels amazing. On my last day I will have been there four years and four months, and I’m so excited for this new chapter!

With this new work I will be paid more to finally work with the English language. It is a more analytical position than the copy writing/marketing jobs I had been applying to, but I’m so thankful to be able to reserve that kind of energy for my personal work. The dress code is relaxed and start time flexible, which is ideal since I will be taking a bus/Lyft there.

I could ramble at length about what I’ll miss at my old job, things I learned there, as well as other reasons I’m amped up for this new one— but instead I will address the title of this post.

I approached this job interview with a more positive/focused attitude than ever before

I’m not a big researcher, but I looked up how to respond to the inevitable ‘tell me about yourself’ prompt, prepared my piece carefully, and tested for the appropriate brevity. I researched the company’s website and re-read the job ad more thoroughly than in the past.

As I got ready for my interview, I spoke aloud a pep talk to myself. I went over my intro and said to myself (and the Universe) things like “My intro is brief and memorable. It will show the interviewer that I will be a great asset to their company. I will stand out and impress them…”

Thanks to You Are A Badass at Making Money, I also included statements such as “I love money and money loves me. I deserve this raise. I have earned $X an hour. I am so thankful for this new level of income. I will use this money to XYZ…”

The morning after the interview, sitting at the bus stop, I started a note in my phone of similar affirmations, with the addition of noting what I did well in the interview. I continued the note on the bus ride and before I went to sleep as well. I was as specific as I could be, as I have read that this helps the Universe know what to send your way (like stating your order at a restaurant.)

There were two things about the process of getting this job that were the most surprising to me— and the first was my behavior during the interview. I seemed to be acting like a different person, and yet I didn’t feel like I was being fake.

I was channeling a version of myself operating at a new, higher frequency

It was a group interview, meaning I was one of four candidates questioned during the meeting. I was still nervous, but much less than usual, especially considering I’d never done a group interview before. My whole mindset and therefore my words/actions were so different it was mildly surreal.

While waiting in the lobby, I smiled more and said hello to people walking by, during the interview I kept better eye contact and spoke with more assertiveness. My responses had clear endings to avoid the awkward fade into silence and I managed to avoid any self-deprecating remarks. Both of these points had been major issues for me in the past.

One small action that felt monumental was that on my way out of the room I stopped and shook hands/thanked the man who is now going to be my supervisor— even though he seemed preoccupied typing notes into his laptop(!) I feel like this one moment of confidence and gratitude perfectly encapsulated my frame of mind during the interview process.

The second surprising aspect of all of this could very well be a coincidence, but honestly it feels like more than that.

I predicted when I’d get a call back, and what news I’d be told

The interview took place on a Wednesday, and I was told I’d have a response within a week’s time, whether I got the position or not. On the Friday two days after my meeting, as I stepped from the elevator unto my floor, at work, I thought to myself “They are going to call me today between the hours of 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. to tell me I got the job.” It was an intense intuitive hit that truly came out of the blue, and I wound up getting the call in the 11 o’clock hour.

Although my correct prediction felt pretty damn mystical, overall this experience seems to be a simple testament to positive thinking--- a logical outcome of going into a situation with a more confident mindset. I am still somewhat iffy on the manifestation angle, as I believe I was only able to be this confident because the job lined up so well with my skill set and desire.

In the end it may be a type of team work with the Universe. I, of course, have to do my part as well.

It makes me think of looking at a vision board as more of a to-do list than a wish list

I had been working earnestly to find a new job, pushing forward despite many dead ends. I truly believed I was meant for something new and deserved more compensation. The Universe listened and sent a job my way that was such an ideal fit that I couldn't help but walk into the interview feeling empowered.

The point that really drives this idea home for me is one I forgot to mention earlier, and that is that I only heard about my new job because a recruiter reached out to me through Indeed.

I must admit it feels destined, as this type of job never crossed my mind, so I doubt I'd have ever known to search for it. I had solely been searching for editing and copy writing jobs for months, even years. What are the odds that this new position is completely separate from that, as well as tutoring, and still puts my English degree to use?

So, it's with a heart full of gratitude that I wrap up this post. Until next time, loves. I hope you stay curious.