The Curious Blog

curious by both definitions

After an intensive 2020 year-ahead tarot pull I performed a while ago, (that I plan on blogging about going forward through the year), I’d left the 3 decks I used out of their boxes. Yesterday, as I cleaned up around my apartment, I gathered the decks to shuffle them and return them to their homes.

As I shuffled, I was careful not to glace at the face of any of the cards, as is my habit. As I mixed the cards up, I wondered idly if any cards were going to present themselves to me, like they had in the past— where a slip of the hand allows a card to escape the deck, and I feel inclined to see which one it is. However, I wasn’t expecting it to happen— and of course I was not trying to shuffle in a way that might induce a slip up.

So, I was still surprised when 3 cards seemed to jump over towards me from my Transformational Tarot Deck by Arnell Ando.

Excitement warmed my heart as I put the cards in the order of their appearance. Two are Major Arcana and the remaining is a court, or face card. This kind of pull addresses more of a bigger-picture, destiny-driven point of view, compared to the Minor Arcana such as the 8 of swords or 3 of pentacles.

I still turned to the Biddy Tarot site for guidance on the key words and description, but before I reference these points, I am going to log my personal reaction based on my memory and intuitive interpretation.

The Princess of Cups

A Cup court card piques my interest because the Cup suit represents water. I am connected to water astrologically, as a Pisces sun and Scorpio ascendant. Water represents emotion, intuition, and adaptability.

The court cards, in order of rank, are Page, Knight, Queen, and King. I learned with a quick look-up that the Princess is equivalent to the Page. The Page/Princess is the messenger of the court, and as a relative youngster compared to the other face cards, I feel she represents a fresh enthusiasm and ripe energy. (I’ve actually looked into the Page of Cups before, as it was the name of my second IG account before I shifted it to be my zine account!)

The Princess of Cups is an invitation to expect the unexpected, such as the sudden appearance of creative inspiration or drive

This is depicted traditionally on the art of the card as a fish (another Pisces connection) popping its head out of a goblet.

Key Words: creative opportunities, intuitive messages, curiosity, possibility

This pull makes perfect sense to me, as I am striving, through adjusting my ADD medication and buying a planner, to get into an efficient, productive rhythm with my creative projects after a bit of a ‘rest’ from them in January as I began a fitness journey.

This Princess pulls one to develop their intuitive and emotional side. I associate this also with astrology, which I am in the midst of reading about and exploring. She calls you to watch for signs from the Universe, which I think is kind of funny, because this out-of-the-blue pull is definitely one of them!

The Devil

This card, to me, doesn’t have nearly as negative a connotation as it would seem.

The Devil, to me, represents a break or shift in routine, or perhaps perspective. The traditional art displays a man and woman chained to Satan’s throne—but when you look closely, you see the bindings are loose, and the people could easily escape if they so choose.

Therefore, this card tells me that the only person holding me back, is me. Personally, I relate to this because I have recently felt so overwhelmed with all the projects I am looking to start a schedule for, especially that of my novel. It is difficult for me to parse out achievable goals, instead of thinking of all the thousands of words I have yet to put down.

Key Words: shadow self, attachment, addiction, restriction, sexuality

I hadn’t related the concept of the shadow self to this card before, but it makes sense. Bridget from Biddy Tarot states that the Devil appears when one has been tricked into thinking they have no control over their darker side.

In a recent natal chart reading, the astrologer I worked with saw an aspect of my chart calling me to embrace this part of my psyche.

She cited the belief that the shadow is the creator of art

I associate the shadow self to trouble, distress, pain, violence, and deceit. As I work with grim topics in my writing, these concepts all come together to push me to embrace this darkness as I work on my novel.

The Sorceress

In looking up the equivalent of this card in traditional decks (the High Priestess) I saw the start of the description, so I am going to start with those points.

Key Words: intuition, sacred knowledge, divine feminine, the subconscious mind

This card calls back to the Princess’ invitation to embrace my intuition. The Sorceress is someone who has answered this call and can move between the conscious and subconscious realms. She tells me to be still and look for the answers within myself that are not bound in strict logic, but an intuitive ‘knowing.’

For a person such as myself, who is working to develop my psychic gifts, through tarot and other means, the Sorceress tells me I am on the right track. She instructs me to look at the places in my life that are lacking flow (my creative life) and trust that the more I follow my intuition; the easier things will move forward.

This card is telling me to loosen the reigns a bit when it comes to my creative projects. Specifically, I feel this is telling me to follow what makes me excited when it comes to choosing YouTube video topics, worrying less about views, as they will follow when people see my genuine enthusiasm and care.

I feel the Sorceress advises me to stop doubting my instincts as I work on my novel, to cut off the thoughts of whether people will find it over-the-top, or worse yet, uninteresting.

A few times, I have felt like a prophet scribbling visions as I write, and I feel I need to lean into this feeling more

Overall, this surprise tarot spread is deeply encouraging, especially as it occurred right at the full moon. I feel deeply connected to the moon for various reasons. I keep track of the cycle, and personally, the full moon energy feels more like a new to me, and the new feels like a moment for rest. So a happenstance reading at this time, during my birth month, feels poignant and comforting.

I’m excited to implement the tools I’ve gathered for myself in the past couple weeks to pursue my creative career with renewed focus and trust in the Universe that if I put in the work, things will line up for me and 2020 will be a pivotal year in my creative life.

Until next time, loves. Stay curious.

Back in late July I went on a trip to Oakland and felt moved to bring along my tarot cards. In my cozy Airbnb, I pulled a few. I decided on a 3-card, Past, Present, Future set up concerning the cliché topic of my love life. I admit to some embarrassment about this, but it’s only human nature to wonder about such things!

So, here is the breakdown of the message I received that mid-summer day. (As in a previous post, I am going to save time by citing for the key words.)

Past > Five of Rods Key Words: conflict, disagreements, competition, tension, diversity

This card depicts 5 men holding staffs up against each other in a scene of discord. However, it is not a very passionate fight, and nothing else on the card hints at the reason for the conflict. This suggests a sort of pointlessness, a lack of focus and heart.

This pull describes my past relationship with a lot of accuracy, especially with the key word ‘tension’. My ex and I were off and on for years as I hoped for some kind of decision to be made- that it was only a matter of time before they realized they loved me for real.

It never happened, and over time I have gone from describing this relationship as ‘being in love with someone for X years’ to ‘being hung up on someone for X years.’ This person hurt me, and I didn’t realize how deeply until much later. It took a long time to conclude that I had allowed this mistreatment because I didn’t realize I deserved better.

Present > Eight of Cups (Reversed) Key Words: trying one more time, indecision, aimless drifting, walking away

This card’s image shows eight cups arranged in a manner in which one appears missing, and a figure departing from the scene with a melancholy air.

After not speaking for a long while, my ex came back into my life in a friendship capacity. Things were good for a while-- conversation and laughter came easily, but eventually I couldn’t handle the emotional and mental toll of interacting with them.

Long story short, they were going through an extremely rough time in their life, and I found their instability contagious. After an intense, drawn-out breakdown they had at my apartment, I blocked their number and haven’t been in contact in over 6 months. I helped all I could, and still struggle with guilt, as if I abandoned them-- but I had to prioritize my own mental health and well-being.

The words ‘walking away’ that the 8 of Cups represents really speaks to this situation. The stack of cups with the missing piece signifies a relationship (this time platonic) that is not whole. It was unstable, and in time the non-reciprocal nature of it was too much to handle.

My energy was being siphoned off, and I had to cut ties to prevent a regression of my psyche

Future > Strength (Reversed) Key Words: inner strength, self-doubt, low energy, raw emotion

I remember even as I was about to draw the third and final card in this tarot session, I had a gut feeling I was going to get a saddening message, and I was right. In retrospect, I see that this feeling was only logical given the air of the first two cards. My past and present cards told me that I was not in the proper state to receive a true, romantic love. Things were still too jumbled. My heart was still healing. This is where the words ‘raw emotion’ rung true for me. My thoughts and feelings were still being processed.

Even now, I remain in the process of learning lessons from my romantic past

‘Inner strength’ is the other phrase that speaks to me here. Reversed Strength tells of solitude and contentment coming solely from within.

This card calls for me to find faith in myself and the Universe that things will happen perfectly in divine timing. I am being told to buckle down and settle in for some more ‘alone time’.

Even though the reversed Strength card is not overtly negative, my heart felt heavy, regardless, as I looked into its meaning. This was not what I wanted to see in the cards. Honestly, I felt a kind of betrayal boiling softly within me, as my pulls up until this point had always been encouraging.

So, in a move somewhat lacking in maturity, I pushed this reading into the back of my mind. I did not think long about it. It made me feel sick. I was not ready to confront my disappointment.

I wasn’t ready to face that my disappointment signaled a false belief that I needed romantic love to live a fulfilled life

Months went by, and in December I received a birth chart reading in which no upcoming romance was mentioned. It was a heavy reading, and I wasn’t sure if the astrologer simply didn’t have time to get to the topic, so I decided to pull a single card to address my love life once again.

Sun (Reversed) Key Words: inner child, feeling down, overly optimistic

The content and comforting face of the sun mocked me in its upside-down position.

There’s not much to say about this card. The message is clear, and yet-- I remained in denial. After all the cards I’d pulled that made perfect sense, I thought I had pulled the wrong card. I thought there must be some mistake.

So, I did something I’d never done before, and drew a second card for clarification. (Actually, my intuition told me to simply look at the card on the bottom of the deck.)

King of Wands (Reversed) Key Words: impulsiveness, haste, ruthless, high expectations

This card greatly humbled me, and I thanked the Universe for taking away my doubt, although it stung. The fact that this card was so dead-on and befitting served to solidify my faith in my intuitive ability to communicate with the greater energy that surrounds us.

The King looks at me sternly, but without malice. He reminds me to have patience. I have waited so long already, a little more is nothing. Compared to the reading in July, I am glad to report that my disappointment with this pull was much more brief.

I've decided I will tap into my inner strength and find peace with this message as I head into the new year. I will lean into my solitude as I work on my novel, zine, and blog. Even as I type this, I feel a new focus coming over me as I develop my musician side, expand my YouTube channel, and approach each day with a mindfulness of my past that will better prepare me for the time when I do meet my soul mate. ♡

Until next time, loves, stay curious.

A turning point in my growth as a creative writer occurred on October 23, 2019. While working on my novel, Syndrome, I finally grasped the true meaning of that so-frequently-given advice---

Write what makes you uncomfortable, what scares you

This adage always made sense to me, going back many years back when I first heard it--- but it had never really clicked. I'd always thought with a shrug, 'I don't know what I'm scared of writing, but I'll write it when I get to it.'

During that Wednesday evening writing session, my thoughts were coming fast, even interrupting each other. But at least twice, the lines flowing through my head felt like they hit a wall. A couple of times, I froze. I found myself thinking, 'I can't write that. That's not like me at all. What will the reader think of me?'

For the first time while writing, I was scared. I hesitated.

However, in my mind's eye, I saw that the black stone wall blocking my path was indeed very solid, but it was lacking height.

I hopped over it with relative ease and recognized the moment for what it was--- a leveling up, a blooming.