The Curious Blog

curious by both definitions

A turning point in my growth as a creative writer occurred on October 23, 2019. While working on my novel, Syndrome, I finally grasped the true meaning of that so-frequently-given advice---

Write what makes you uncomfortable, what scares you

This adage always made sense to me, going back many years back when I first heard it--- but it had never really clicked. I'd always thought with a shrug, 'I don't know what I'm scared of writing, but I'll write it when I get to it.'

During that Wednesday evening writing session, my thoughts were coming fast, even interrupting each other. But at least twice, the lines flowing through my head felt like they hit a wall. A couple of times, I froze. I found myself thinking, 'I can't write that. That's not like me at all. What will the reader think of me?'

For the first time while writing, I was scared. I hesitated.

However, in my mind's eye, I saw that the black stone wall blocking my path was indeed very solid, but it was lacking height.

I hopped over it with relative ease and recognized the moment for what it was--- a leveling up, a blooming.

Tomorrow I start my last week at my current job, and it feels amazing. On my last day I will have been there four years and four months, and I’m so excited for this new chapter!

With this new work I will be paid more to finally work with the English language. It is a more analytical position than the copy writing/marketing jobs I had been applying to, but I’m so thankful to be able to reserve that kind of energy for my personal work. The dress code is relaxed and start time flexible, which is ideal since I will be taking a bus/Lyft there.

I could ramble at length about what I’ll miss at my old job, things I learned there, as well as other reasons I’m amped up for this new one— but instead I will address the title of this post.

I approached this job interview with a more positive/focused attitude than ever before

I’m not a big researcher, but I looked up how to respond to the inevitable ‘tell me about yourself’ prompt, prepared my piece carefully, and tested for the appropriate brevity. I researched the company’s website and re-read the job ad more thoroughly than in the past.

As I got ready for my interview, I spoke aloud a pep talk to myself. I went over my intro and said to myself (and the Universe) things like “My intro is brief and memorable. It will show the interviewer that I will be a great asset to their company. I will stand out and impress them…”

Thanks to You Are A Badass at Making Money, I also included statements such as “I love money and money loves me. I deserve this raise. I have earned $X an hour. I am so thankful for this new level of income. I will use this money to XYZ…”

The morning after the interview, sitting at the bus stop, I started a note in my phone of similar affirmations, with the addition of noting what I did well in the interview. I continued the note on the bus ride and before I went to sleep as well. I was as specific as I could be, as I have read that this helps the Universe know what to send your way (like stating your order at a restaurant.)

There were two things about the process of getting this job that were the most surprising to me— and the first was my behavior during the interview. I seemed to be acting like a different person, and yet I didn’t feel like I was being fake.

I was channeling a version of myself operating at a new, higher frequency

It was a group interview, meaning I was one of four candidates questioned during the meeting. I was still nervous, but much less than usual, especially considering I’d never done a group interview before. My whole mindset and therefore my words/actions were so different it was mildly surreal.

While waiting in the lobby, I smiled more and said hello to people walking by, during the interview I kept better eye contact and spoke with more assertiveness. My responses had clear endings to avoid the awkward fade into silence and I managed to avoid any self-deprecating remarks. Both of these points had been major issues for me in the past.

One small action that felt monumental was that on my way out of the room I stopped and shook hands/thanked the man who is now going to be my supervisor— even though he seemed preoccupied typing notes into his laptop(!) I feel like this one moment of confidence and gratitude perfectly encapsulated my frame of mind during the interview process.

The second surprising aspect of all of this could very well be a coincidence, but honestly it feels like more than that.

I predicted when I’d get a call back, and what news I’d be told

The interview took place on a Wednesday, and I was told I’d have a response within a week’s time, whether I got the position or not. On the Friday two days after my meeting, as I stepped from the elevator unto my floor, at work, I thought to myself “They are going to call me today between the hours of 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. to tell me I got the job.” It was an intense intuitive hit that truly came out of the blue, and I wound up getting the call in the 11 o’clock hour.

Although my correct prediction felt pretty damn mystical, overall this experience seems to be a simple testament to positive thinking--- a logical outcome of going into a situation with a more confident mindset. I am still somewhat iffy on the manifestation angle, as I believe I was only able to be this confident because the job lined up so well with my skill set and desire.

In the end it may be a type of team work with the Universe. I, of course, have to do my part as well.

It makes me think of looking at a vision board as more of a to-do list than a wish list

I had been working earnestly to find a new job, pushing forward despite many dead ends. I truly believed I was meant for something new and deserved more compensation. The Universe listened and sent a job my way that was such an ideal fit that I couldn't help but walk into the interview feeling empowered.

The point that really drives this idea home for me is one I forgot to mention earlier, and that is that I only heard about my new job because a recruiter reached out to me through Indeed.

I must admit it feels destined, as this type of job never crossed my mind, so I doubt I'd have ever known to search for it. I had solely been searching for editing and copy writing jobs for months, even years. What are the odds that this new position is completely separate from that, as well as tutoring, and still puts my English degree to use?

So, it's with a heart full of gratitude that I wrap up this post. Until next time, loves. I hope you stay curious.

I had initially planned to pace myself more when it came to pulling cards for myself. Up until recently I had only drawn a single card at a time, so I thought my next step would be two or three cards, perhaps a kind of Past, Present, Future set up.

Well, that plan went out the window when I was at a bar waiting for my friend’s arrival and an awesome IG account I follow (@owlandbonestarot) posted a 7-card spread addressing the reader’s impostor syndrome.

The post called to me, and a few days later I drew my spread. In today’s blog I am going to talk through my findings.

(Note: For the sake of time I will simply be listing the keywords for each card as they appear on, my go-to reference site. I highly recommend it!)

What makes you feel like a fraud? Nine of Pentacles (Reversed): self-worth, over-investment in work, hustling

The word ‘hustling’ stood out to me most when I looked up this card. Before I moved out on my own, I would not have even related to the word. In my old living situation, I didn’t have the spare energy required to hustle. But now, with blogging and YouTube becoming more consistent fixtures in my life, thinking more deeply about my novel, and developing my intuition, I can relate. I can see how hustling makes me feel like a fraud because I am so new to it. I’m just not accustomed to having so many dishes on the stove top at once. It feels ingenuine because I’m still getting used to it.

More importantly, though, hustling makes me feel like a fake because it requires some innate self-confidence— a belief that your work matters and that you can succeed. This is a mindset that, at this point, I feel awkward developing. I feel like right now I wear confidence like new boots that are stiff and uncomfortable. I believe in time I will break them in, but in the meantime, I kind of feel a blister forming.

Why do you think you’re faking it? The Star (Reversed): Lack of faith, despair, self-trust, disconnection

The first of three Major Arcana in my spread, the reversed Star seemed to slap me in the face. It told me flat-out, ‘You’re not a star’— you’re not note-worthy or deserving of attention. In an even more direct sense, it seemed to say, ‘Your work is not good enough to make you a star in the writing world’.

So, it was with a self-deprecating grin I read the phrase ‘lack of faith’ when I researched the meaning of this card. It is such a spot-on pull that it feels a bit ridiculous.

There’s not much to decipher here— I think I’m faking it because I don’t feel skilled enough. My belief in my ideas and voice in writing is shaky. I doubt the importance of my story.

Where are you being authentic? The Lovers (Reversed): Self-love, disharmony, imbalance, misalignment of values

The message of this draw is pretty damn universal, in my opinion. One of the keys to living an authentic life is to show yourself compassion. When you practice patience and kindness towards yourself, you’re freed from self-limiting thoughts based in fear and lack. Carrying self-hatred in your heart simply makes everything in life more difficult. It’s like wading through sludge— it slows you down and holds you back. The sooner you can accept yourself, the sooner you can reach your full potential.

When I pulled this card, I got an intuitive hit that the reversed Lovers card also signifies singlehood and independence. As a sort of side note, I gathered from this draw that living on my own and being unattached romantically were also important factors in my personal authenticity.

What are your best tools for standing in your own power? Temperance: balance, moderation, patience, purpose Ten of Swords (Reversed): recovery, regeneration, resisting an inevitable end

Basically every keyword for Temperance makes sense in response to this question, but the word that is highlighted in my mind’s eye is ‘patience’. Moving out on my own has truly freed up a ton of mental space and energy to pursue my goals whole-heartedly for basically the first time in my adult life. I need to remember that it hasn’t even been two months yet. I need to take note of and appreciate how much progress I’ve made, and have faith that this upswing is just beginning. Temperance calls on me to stay the course and trust that the Universe will reward my earnest hard work.

The Ten of Swords is an intense card depicting a figure laying on the ground with swords sticking out of his back— but upside-down, the swords are falling out of his body. This card tells me to be mindful of burnout and draining energies around me. I need to keep up with self-care and remember that breaks, fun, and vacations are essential to recharge and come back and tackle the tasks at hand with renewed vigor.

What will help boost your confidence? Two of Rods (Reversed): personal goals, inner alignment, fear of unknown, lack of planning

This card tells me to check in frequently with myself to make sure my goals are based in my own beliefs. I shouldn’t let myself be influenced by outside ideas of what I should be doing or how I should be doing it. Even if a goal could seem silly or pointless to some people (such as learning tarot or making YouTube videos), I should trust my intuitive pull to develop these areas of my life.

This is a very interesting pull to me, because in the context of the given question, I even read positivity in the latter two keywords. ‘Fear of unknown’ and ‘lack of planning’ remind me that going outside my comfort zone and following my gut could also be very effective in building up my self-confidence.

What genuine quality do you need to embrace? Seven of Swords: impostor syndrome, self-deceit, keeping secrets

Now, what are the freakin’ odds that the seventh and final card in this spread would signify impostor syndrome itself? Geez, that’s wild to me.

Anyway, this card creates a circle backwards and tells me to ‘lean into’ what makes me feel like a fraud, which, as denoted by the reversed Nine of Pentacles earlier, means hustling. To me, it exemplifies the idea of ‘fake it til you make it’. In an echo of what I got from Temperance, the Seven of Swords encourages me to keep doing what I’m doing.

In the Seven of Swords, a figure is stealing weapons from a military camp in the cover of darkness, so I gather from this draw that I also need to embrace the calculating and strategic side of my personality as I continue work on my YouTube channel, novel, and blog. I should take advantage of my tendency to plan ahead for future efficiency. In another nod to Temperance, this last card emphasizes the healthy balance of intuition/fluidity and intention/methodical action that will lead to the accomplishment of my goals.

© 2021 Lee Dobecka